Journey Post: For Him, For Me


So I’m currently in a new relationship and in many ways it’s the first real relationship I’ve truly wanted to be in.  And yes, it has taken me 24 good LONG years to get there.  But surprisingly, I’m perfectly fine with that.  See what I’ve realized as I’ve gone through this adventure called life, is that things come to you when you are really and truly ready for them.  This whole, rushing towards something you aren’t in alignment with, is really not a good idea.  Trust me.  And as happy as I am to start this new journey, I AM LITERALLY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE IVE EVER BEEN. 

See I am currently a voluntary/involuntary participant in the self-ownership bootcamp.  You see there is something extraordinary about observing someone discovering you.  Even more extraordinary is observing your reaction to someone trying to discover you.  In a lot of ways I think I, like many other women, have been in denial about who I truly am; especially my shortcomings. 
The thing about being single is you get to pick and choose what parts of you people see.  You could be the most insecure person in the world, but if want to hide it, you are under no obligation not to.  But when you meet someone you want to build with, you don’t have that safety blanket.  Because you WANT them too see ALL of you; you want them to LOVE all of you. So all those shortcomings and insecurities and secrets that have been collecting dust and spider webs in that deep dark corner of you mind that you shoved them into, come marching back into the light; whether you are ready for them or not.  And whether you like it or not, for the sake of your relationship, if not anything else, you are forced to muster all the courage you can and get to work on them.

The first and hardest step is to acknowledge and own all your shortcomings.  This step has been killing me.  Firstly because it’s just plain hard and my ego is NOT a fan of this process.  Secondly, every time I think I’ve dealt with or at least recognized every shortcoming, ANOTHER ONE COMES UP!  Come one….I cant REALLY have this many, can I?  This is not fun AT ALL.   My ego has gone from being a majestic lioness to a scraggly, dirty emaciated street cat whose fur looks like it was cut off by a 2 year old and covered in sewage.  Yes, that is how far my ego has fallen.  But in all seriousness, what I am learning is that the reward for this courage is immeasurable.  I’m discovering that the more I own my weaknesses, the stronger and more powerful I feel.  All of a sudden I’m not quite so scared of people discovering my weaknesses because I’ve already come to terms with them.  And more so, now that I know them, I can work on improving them.  I am confident that a year from now I will be shortcomings free and will officially become the first and only perfect human.  Exclusively in my dreams of course, but hey, my dreams are valid (this quote needs to die and be buried by the way.  It has lived a short but overworked life.  Anyway I digress).

The second step is a lot easier if you do step one correctly.  Now that you’ve owned your vulnerabilities, you have to be able to share them with your significant other and then the world.  Sure this is scary too, but if you are lucky enough to be with someone who can appreciate your weaknesses, its so worth it.  There is no greater feeling than having him say ‘I Love You’ and knowing that he means ALL of you; warts and all.  Of course, I wouldn’t really know about that feeling – I told you the relationship is new.  I’m still firmly in stage 1.  But I’d imagine it feels awesome.  For those of you who have gotten to that Promised Land please let us struggling hopefuls know if it’ll be worth it when we get there.  PLEASE.  It BETTER be worth these tears and sweat.  Like for real….it better be.

But then again if I’m honest with myself……IT ALREADY IS!  I think that’s the biggest lesson that I am in the process of learning.  Your aspiration in a relationship really shouldn’t be to get him to love you.  It should be to get YOU to love you.  And to realize that that is the best and most powerful human love you will ever receive.  His job is to keep showing you to yourself and supporting your journey to self-discovery and self-love. 

So when you find a guy who wants to be by your side throughout your journey, and encourages you the whole way –even at the messy times-, my advice is not to let him go.  
So until next time,

Your dirty sewage covered street cat.

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