RELATIONSHIPS: Why It’s So Important To Be Friends First
15:43
Hey Beauties,
So this is my first relationship post of 2016 (yay!) which
is actually really fitting because with the New Year came a completely different perspective for me
on this particular issue. Now, in the past,
I’ve always been of the ‘if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it’
school of thought. By that I mean I
never thought it made sense to be friends with someone whom you clearly wanted
more from. I mean couldn’t you get to
know each other and build from within a committed relationship? And if he wants you, shouldn’t he claim you
and do what it takes to keep you from the beginning?
Because obviously building something outside
of a relationship is a situationship
and nobody wants that, right? Well, not
really. I have learnt THE HARD WAY that building
a friendship before entering into a committed relationship is one of the best
things you can do for your relationship and its chances of success. Here’s why:
1.
DREAM
GOGGLES COMES OFF – We all know about beer goggles and the horrible horrible decisions we make because of
them right? Well let me introduce you to
dream goggles. You meet a guy and the
two of you HIT IT OFF. And you know that
list of your dream guy qualities? Well, he seems
like he ticks them all (HALLELUJAH!). He
is HOT, smart, gentlemanly, witty, and funny.
Did I mention he’s hot…and smart….AND witty? I mean this could be THE ONE. So two weeks into knowing him, you’re ready
to commit. He has shown you enough to make
it worth your while right? Flash-forward
a month and you find yourself at your best friend’s house crying half in shock
and half in disappointment. Your dream
guy is disrespectful to your friends, or is an atheist, or is so obsessed with
his job that he hardly ever has time for you.
And unlike a beer goggles decision, you cant just wake up the next
morning, cringe at your mistake and move on, because you made a commitment to
your now BOYFRIEND. More so, you’ve told
the WHOLE WORLD about your new relationship.
CRAP, right? See my point? You might meet someone who seems perfect and
the 20% of themselves that you learn about in the first weeks of knowing
someone might be great. But don’t forget
that there is a whole 80% that you will only get to know with time (A LOT of
it). Do yourself a favor and at least
get to know 60% of him before you commit your heart and body to your ‘prince
charming’. You and your best friend’s
tissue box will appreciate it.
2.
NO
PRESSURE = HONESTY – When you first meet someone, especially someone you
would like to be in a relationship with, you obviously want to get to know
them. You want to know them inside
out. But the problem with getting to
know someone from within a relationship – especially someone new – is that
there is just so much extra pressure to say and be the right thing for your
partner that it inevitably leads to little lies and dishonesties. Because not only do you want to impress
him/her but you now also have the extra pressure of making your relationship
work. So when they say they don’t like
to cuddle at night, you might find yourself accepting that when you clearly
know that cuddling is your favorite part of bedtime. And when they cancel plans on you for the
millionth time, you might let it slide because you don’t want him to think
you’re a nag or needy. But when you get
to be friends first, you don’t have to deal with that kind of pressure. You can have honest conversations about what
each of you want and need from a relationship without the pressure of not
wanting to let the other down. If you
find that you are honestly just not compatible on key issues, you can simply
remain friends and move on. No harm
done. Awesome right?
3.
COMPATIBILITY
IS DISCOVERED WITH TIME – Speaking of compatibility, there are certain
compatibilities that are extremely important to a relationship that can only be
discovered with time. For example, do
you both communicate the same way? And
if you don’t, can you meet each other half way?
Because if you communicate physically and he/she just does NOT like or
give physical affection, that might be a problem. Or if you believe in a 50/50 financial relationship,
while he believes finances should 100% be left to the man, you might find
resentment building. Incompatibilities
like these seem small at the outset of a relationship but trust me, they become
big problems if they are not addressed and are allowed to build up. Do yourselves the favor of giving yourselves
time to discover these incompatibilities within a friendship so that if/when
you do decide to enter into a
relationship, you have a much clearer picture of exactly what you are signing
up for. And if you decide you cannot
deal with your incompatibilities, you get to move on without a broken heart.
4.
NO
SEX = NO COMPLICATIONS – Now I know what some of you are thinking; no sex
also equals SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. It sucks
to be friends with someone you want to jump on every time 5 minutes. Trust me, I’m right there with you. It is HARD.
It sucks!!!! But what I’ve
discovered, is that when you remove sex from the equation (just hear me out) it
lightens the relationship and allows space for more fun and non-sexual
experiences together. Instead of
spending the night in bed, you now have time to go to the movies, or the park,
or cook together or JUST TALK. And
because sex is off the table, you find other ways to be intimate which is
invaluable later on in the relationship.
In conclusion, I’d just like to clarify what I mean by a
friendship in this context. When I say friendship
first, I am not implying that it MUST be a platonic friendship. I believe you can have a friendship with the
understanding that you both EVENTUALLY are hoping for more than a
friendship. But you are both willing and
desiring to build a strong friend-based foundation, which will endure
irrespective of whether a relationship develops or not.
On that note, I would LOVE your opinions on this one. I don’t claim to be a guru of any kind and I
am ALWAYS ready and willing to have my mind opened to new perspectives. So let me know what you think in the comment
section and lets have a conversation.
Until Next Time,
Your Friend-First Blogger
15 comments
these are all so true! love the tips
ReplyDeleteYep - I definitely agree! My (now husband) and I spent time hiking, caving, and even going to dance classes before we actually started dating. He also got to know my family first - I know that's not possible for everyone, but it was definitely a plus! :)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds so fun! Would love to do things like that.
DeleteI agree with yo. Establishing a friendship is super important and a great foundation to any healthy relationship
ReplyDeleteIt really is. :-)
DeleteYES! My fiancé and I were friends for almost a year before we officially started dating. Over four years later and he's still my best friend :)
ReplyDeletexo - Michelle
www.borncreativeblog.com
Thats my goal too. Love your blog btw.
DeleteMy husband and I started dating as soon as we met. He's definitely my best friend! Our friendship and relationship grew side by side :)
ReplyDeleteThat's encouraging to hear. I guess it works differently for everyone.
DeleteLots of great insights here! My husband and I met, and were really close friends before we were officially dating. We really got to know each other, and I think that's made a difference.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. It makes all the difference. At least in my experience.
DeleteI've never really done the friends first thing. To me, friends stay friends and don't turn into more. That's why they're friends. But you have some really great tips!
ReplyDeleteTHIS!! Such a good post. being friends first helps you through those future "for better and for worse" times. Great insight!
ReplyDeletei actually agree with those views,especially taking the sex out of it,really important.
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