Relationships: Why It’s So Important To Be Friends First

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Hey Beauties,

So this is my first relationship post of 2016 (yay!) which is actually really fitting because with the New Year came a completely different perspective for me on this particular issue.  Now, in the past, I’ve always been of the ‘if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it’ school of thought.  By that I mean I never thought it made sense to be friends with someone whom you clearly wanted more from.  I mean couldn’t you get to know each other and build from within a committed relationship?  And if he wants you, shouldn’t he claim you and do what it takes to keep you from the beginning? 
Because obviously building something outside of a relationship is a situationship and nobody wants that, right?  Well, not really.  I have learnt THE HARD WAY that building a friendship before entering into a committed relationship is one of the best things you can do for your relationship and its chances of success.  Here’s why:

1.    DREAM GOGGLES COMES OFF – We all know about beer goggles and the horrible horrible decisions we make because of them right?  Well let me introduce you to dream goggles.  You meet a guy and the two of you HIT IT OFF.  And you know that list of your dream guy qualities? Well, he seems like he ticks them all (HALLELUJAH!).  He is HOT, smart, gentlemanly, witty, and funny.  Did I mention he’s hot…and smart….AND witty?  I mean this could be THE ONE.  So two weeks into knowing him, you’re ready to commit.  He has shown you enough to make it worth your while right?  Flash-forward a month and you find yourself at your best friend’s house crying half in shock and half in disappointment.  Your dream guy is disrespectful to your friends, or is an atheist, or is so obsessed with his job that he hardly ever has time for you.  And unlike a beer goggles decision, you cant just wake up the next morning, cringe at your mistake and move on, because you made a commitment to your now BOYFRIEND.  More so, you’ve told the WHOLE WORLD about your new relationship.  CRAP, right?  See my point?  You might meet someone who seems perfect and the 20% of themselves that you learn about in the first weeks of knowing someone might be great.  But don’t forget that there is a whole 80% that you will only get to know with time (A LOT of it).  Do yourself a favor and at least get to know 60% of him before you commit your heart and body to your ‘prince charming’.  You and your best friend’s tissue box will appreciate it.

2.    NO PRESSURE = HONESTY – When you first meet someone, especially someone you would like to be in a relationship with, you obviously want to get to know them.  You want to know them inside out.  But the problem with getting to know someone from within a relationship – especially someone new – is that there is just so much extra pressure to say and be the right thing for your partner that it inevitably leads to little lies and dishonesties.  Because not only do you want to impress him/her but you now also have the extra pressure of making your relationship work.  So when they say they don’t like to cuddle at night, you might find yourself accepting that when you clearly know that cuddling is your favorite part of bedtime.  And when they cancel plans on you for the millionth time, you might let it slide because you don’t want him to think you’re a nag or needy.  But when you get to be friends first, you don’t have to deal with that kind of pressure.  You can have honest conversations about what each of you want and need from a relationship without the pressure of not wanting to let the other down.  If you find that you are honestly just not compatible on key issues, you can simply remain friends and move on.  No harm done.  Awesome right?

3.    COMPATIBILITY IS DISCOVERED WITH TIME – Speaking of compatibility, there are certain compatibilities that are extremely important to a relationship that can only be discovered with time.  For example, do you both communicate the same way?  And if you don’t, can you meet each other half way?  Because if you communicate physically and he/she just does NOT like or give physical affection, that might be a problem.  Or if you believe in a 50/50 financial relationship, while he believes finances should 100% be left to the man, you might find resentment building.  Incompatibilities like these seem small at the outset of a relationship but trust me, they become big problems if they are not addressed and are allowed to build up.  Do yourselves the favor of giving yourselves time to discover these incompatibilities within a friendship so that if/when you do decide to enter into a relationship, you have a much clearer picture of exactly what you are signing up for.  And if you decide you cannot deal with your incompatibilities, you get to move on without a broken heart.

4.    NO SEX = NO COMPLICATIONS – Now I know what some of you are thinking; no sex also equals SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.  It sucks to be friends with someone you want to jump on every time 5 minutes.   Trust me, I’m right there with you.  It is HARD.  It sucks!!!!  But what I’ve discovered, is that when you remove sex from the equation (just hear me out) it lightens the relationship and allows space for more fun and non-sexual experiences together.  Instead of spending the night in bed, you now have time to go to the movies, or the park, or cook together or JUST TALK.  And because sex is off the table, you find other ways to be intimate which is invaluable later on in the relationship.

In conclusion, I’d just like to clarify what I mean by a friendship in this context.  When I say friendship first, I am not implying that it MUST be a platonic friendship.  I believe you can have a friendship with the understanding that you both EVENTUALLY are hoping for more than a friendship.  But you are both willing and desiring to build a strong friend-based foundation, which will endure irrespective of whether a relationship develops or not. 

On that note, I would LOVE your opinions on this one.  I don’t claim to be a guru of any kind and I am ALWAYS ready and willing to have my mind opened to new perspectives.  So let me know what you think in the comment section and lets have a conversation.


Until Next Time,

Your Friend-First Blogger




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15 comments

  1. these are all so true! love the tips

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  2. Yep - I definitely agree! My (now husband) and I spent time hiking, caving, and even going to dance classes before we actually started dating. He also got to know my family first - I know that's not possible for everyone, but it was definitely a plus! :)

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    1. That sounds so fun! Would love to do things like that.

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  3. I agree with yo. Establishing a friendship is super important and a great foundation to any healthy relationship

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  4. YES! My fiancé and I were friends for almost a year before we officially started dating. Over four years later and he's still my best friend :)

    xo - Michelle
    www.borncreativeblog.com

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  5. My husband and I started dating as soon as we met. He's definitely my best friend! Our friendship and relationship grew side by side :)

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    1. That's encouraging to hear. I guess it works differently for everyone.

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  6. Lots of great insights here! My husband and I met, and were really close friends before we were officially dating. We really got to know each other, and I think that's made a difference.

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    1. I agree with you. It makes all the difference. At least in my experience.

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  7. I've never really done the friends first thing. To me, friends stay friends and don't turn into more. That's why they're friends. But you have some really great tips!

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  8. THIS!! Such a good post. being friends first helps you through those future "for better and for worse" times. Great insight!

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  9. i actually agree with those views,especially taking the sex out of it,really important.

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